Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Not Alone Series: Discernment

When I was six I knew I wanted 12 kids and that was it. I had no example of marriage , healthy or otherwise, that put the idea of marriage in my mind or my plan. I just knew I wanted 12 kids and the dad had to be around because mine wasn't and I didn't like that.

When I was 12 I wanted 14 kids and I wanted a husband, except I was shy, a loner and a tomboy. At that point in my life kissing a boy did not seem appealing, they were okay to play with but they were sweaty and their mouths had spit which was gross.

When I was 19 I had a bad dating experience. I had never dated before and was a lost sheep with no idea of the rules plus I was still shy, awkward and a loner. I was painfully skinny, taller than a lot of the guys (I'm only 5' 9.5"), I did not have a lot of self confidence going on.

Around 20/21 I took a step back from dating, I needed the time to figure myself out, to know myself and to mature my wishy-washy relationship with God. I'm not sure I had much of a plan then just that I needed time to myself, I had no idea how long or any real rules. Although I didn't know it yet but this time was my 40 days in the wilderness, my time away from it all to grow closer to God (I also had my own test of will with satan). I went from looking for the slightest excuse not to get up to go to Sunday Mass to going to Daily Mass, I spend as much time as I can in front the Blessed Sacrament and I attend Adoration regularly

My hiatus lasted much longer than I thought it would, although I didn't have a time period I still thought that I would just wake up one morning ready. I also was thinking months instead of the years  but over that time where guys and getting married wasn't my focus the desire did grow in my heart and I did just wake up one morning ready.

Now I have questioned my desire over time because I have had quite a few priests and nuns who I like, respect and trust ask me if I have ever considered religious life because they see something in me. I have always brought it to pray but I have never felt that anything that tells me God wants me to be a nun.

My journey through discernment is definitely not over, as someone told me that discernment is lifelong. I think about the skills, characteristics, insights and qualities that I have gained over my lifetime and I know that wherever God is leading me I am prepared.

Want to read posts by others? Go to Jen’s blog!