Not Alone Series: Courtship vs. Dating

It might be easy to say that the pursuit of marriage is the purpose of dating (aka courtship). But, that's not how our culture views dating. Does viewing the person you're dating as a potential spouse add unnecessary pressure on the relationship? In your opinion, is there a difference between dating and courtship? If so, what are those differences?

This is very, very late. In fact I wasn't even sure I wanted to finish write it because I'm not sure what I want to say (one of the reasons this took so long to write). I do have a question.

What exactly is courtship and how does it differ from dating? I have previously (before courtship became this ridiculously popular thing) interchanged the two.

My understanding from the use of the term "courtship" it is meant to be dating but not just the couple involved but each others family. They are never left alone. It is meant to "guard" your heart and keep you from heart break.

My problems with these...
While I have no problem spending time with a guys family as I get to know him and we contemplate marriage we need some alone time. I need time to get to know you as you are without a constant audience. I personally will feel the need to be always "on" with my future possible mother-in-law watching.
In any relationship heart break is a possibility. Human feelings are involved. I read a blog with one couple they had their first "I love you's" at the proposal because they didn't feel it was appropriate before hand, they didn't want to endanger each other's hearts, etc. To each his own but I'm sorry if I'm in love with you whether I say it or not if we break up my heart is still going to break. Also if I'm in a serious relationship and the guy has never said he loves me I would feel seriously off-kilter and confused.

I told a friend this recently I wouldn't date a guy I couldn't see myself marrying but I don't think a date automatically leads to a marriage licence. Courtship as I perceive it assumes that jump to the alter.  My question then is there something that comes before courtship or is like a child going to a toy store and just choosing.

There are so many things I need to know and be attracted to in a guy before I get to the point I believe courtship is (just before engagement).

Is courtship just a term to differentiate christian dating from secular dating?

What are you're thoughts on courtship? Visit Jen for the link-up and see what everyone else who linked-up on time had to say.

Not Alone Series: Online Dating Dos & Don'ts

Not all of us have jumped into the world of online dating, but many of us have! What are those things that we should AND shouldn't do?! If someone you know is considering online dating, how would you encourage him/her? What advice do you have?

I put my toe into the online dating world about 3 years ago. I joined Ave Maria Singles (AMS), they had discounts for international users and it was a one time sign up, no experation. You had to apply for the discount and get an email with the code, I had that code for about six months before I actually used it. I kept imaging introducing my future husband to my grandparents , having them ask how we me and getting a lecture from my grandmother on the evils of the internet in front of him.

I joined Catholic Match early last year. Catholic Match is more interactive than AMS and I liked that about it but not every profile is an active, paid profile.

The do's and the don't's:-

Do participate as much as you feel comfortable. Check out the forums, the chat rooms, poll questions. There are great friends to be made besides just finding the one.

Don't spend all your time on the site. Live your life to the fullest, you'll have more to talk about with the people you do meet on the site. You'll be more relaxed, calm and rational if you are not constantly looking at and obsessing over the fact that you haven't been contacted, no one is ever online or whatever annoys you over time.

Do have pictures. I need to see what a person looks like and a general idea of how you spend your time. At a game (any kind cause I don't know jack about sports anyway), that birthday party, the trip you took. I personally don't click on profiles with a photo.

Do have reasonable expectations. If you are 40 don't expect the 20 year old to swoon on receiving your emotigram. Just because you are attracted don't expect the other person to be and don't get mad because they are.

Do be polite. I have a standard thank you but no thank you response. If someone has taken the time to write me a message I do try to respond even if it's just to say that I'm not interested.

Don't string anyone along. If you are not interested don't pretend to be. Sure this may be the only person who has ever contacted you but even after giving it an honest try you just don't see a future say goodbye (really say goodbye don't just stop writing). If you are getting serious about one person don't start a relationship with someone else to hedge your bets. If you are messaging multiple people don't hint at strong feelings to all.

Do leave the computer and meet in person. It's called online dating but the actual dating happens in real life you just meet online. You have to actually spend time with the people you meet in some real life situations.

Have you tried online dating? Are you sceptical about it? Do you have do's or don't's to add to this list? Leave a comment. Also check out Morgan for the link-up to see what every one else has to say on the topic.

Not Alone Series: Oh So Chivalrous

Chivalry should not become a lost art and we, as women, ought to step up to the plate a bit more and encourage men to treat us as women, thereby respecting them as men. Do you have tips, ideas, or stories to encourage men to be... men?! Open doors for us, initiate dates, honor us as women, etc? Let's chat!

Thank you Sarah Therese for the topic!!!

I am not a woman hear me roar type nor am I a shrinking flower. I believe it is a man's job to take out the garbage primarily because I don't like to do it but I would also love for a man to cook for me or do the dishes.

I do not think chivalry is not a lost art. When a friend of mine was dating her now husband I saw the kind of man I wanted to marry. I wasn't suddenly lusting after my friend's boyfriend but I was very attracted to some of his quality traits. He was chivalrous. He opened doors for her every time and me too if we were together. The car door, doors to buildings. He gave her his hand to help her our the car whether she needed it or not as well as a few other things.

This weekend while running an insane amount of errands I ran into some pretty chivalrous men. I had quite a few doors opened for me. I said thank you with a smile. An upbeat thank you not a begrudging thanks. A careless thank you doesn't sound very appreciative, and when the gesture of doing something chivalrous is appreciated it is likely to be repeated.

For me, allowing guys to be chivalrous makes me feel vulnerable. Sometimes when the offer comes I feel like the person thinks I'm weak or incompetent. I'm not very big, have been skinny my whole life and as a kid I was picked to do some things because people thought I wasn't strong enough and that kind of stuck with me. I'm slowly coming into being okay with allowing myself to be vulnerable.

With my car I have never had a problem allowing chivalrous gestures. I can't change a tire and until a little over a year ago I didn't know how to put gas in my car. However a couple a months ago I was having car trouble so pulled into the gas station and popped the hood to check the few things I was taught to check then the rain just came down. Hard. One of the guys there ran over to me we an umbrella because I was fighting with the thing not getting it closed while getting soaked. I let him close the engine for me then I stood there feeling foolish as he asked me what I needed, to get back in my car or get across the lot to shelter. I was a little hesitant but I did let him help me into my car. Because I was a little embarrassed I didn't allow myself to appreciate this sweet gesture.

A few months ago I was at an event late, I didn't think it was late but a friend's husband did and decided he would follow me home. I did think it was nice that he wanted to do it but I felt bad that I was taking him out of his way. He followed me home and then he waited for me to get in the house. I had a lot of stuff to take out of my car so I told him he could go since my sister was home and I didn't really feel in danger but he stayed. I did remember to say thank you.

I am still trying get comfortable with some chivalrous gestures but chivalry is not dead but it does need to be encouraged.

Do you think chivalry is dead? Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you expect it? What are your thoughts on the topic. Leave a comment, join the discussion. Visit Jen for the link-up to see what everyone else has to say.

Not Alone Series: We're Back

We are back! As we get into the swing of things with NAS, what other ways can we be more involved at church or in our communities? Is there a parish ministry you have been wanting to help with or start up? What about that after school program for homeless kids? Has something been preventing you from getting involved? How do you think this will help you personally, spiritually, and emotionally?

I'm late to the party but that's okay.

After a summer away (sort of) the Not Alone Series is back to regular weekly posting on Tuesday not Thursday like I am posting right now. Although I did start this over the weekend but life happened so I am trying to finish.

This week we are looking at ways we can be more involved at church or in our communities. Right off the bat I thought about knowing the needs. At our church they are always requesting lectors and people to help prepare the Alter. There are also needs that are not being fulfilled at all that may exist. Once after Mass I heard a young mother asking the co-ordinator if there were any programs for her pre-school age son.

Now we have a thriving school-age children's ministry and a very good youth ministry but nothing for the pre-schoolers. I really thought about maybe starting something just crafts and bible stories or something but with kids especially younger kids you have to be consistent and unfortunately other commitments keep me from being there consistently right now. It is something I do think we need and maybe my job is not to lead it but just to get the idea out there and just help out where I can after it gets going.

I am a lector. I started back in Confirmation days because as part of our programme you have to be involved in some aspect of Mass. I can't sing so choir was out but I loved to read and I read well even those pesky Old Testament names once I get a chance to practice them. The first few time I read I raced through those reading like no bodies business but over time I got used to standing in front of the crowd without internally freaking out and wanting to get away as fast as possible.

I also work at putting on retreats, which is actually just something I fell into. There are two different sets of retreats that I work with. the first one I attended a few years ago and they usually try to encourage past retreatants to give back in some way. I started off signing up to be pray support but then a friend of mine really started getting involved and she put me down as a vicariate co-ordinator. I was a little hesitant at first, it seemed like a lot of work and also way out of my comfort zone, talking to strangers and answering questions about the retreat, pre-registration. It turns out it's not that much work and it was actually good for me. I am still an introvert but I am much more outgoing.

The second retreat I also just kind of fell into because yet another friend just thought I would be just perfect fit for the co-ordinating team. I really need to evaluate my choice in friends :). Turns out she was right. I am more involved with all aspects of this retreat and it is a lot of work but it really stretches me. A couple years ago there are many jobs I would have begged someone else to take over but I find myself many times taking the initiative to get things done, like calling up priests and asking if they will be available to give confession. For a weekend retreat you get more no's that yes because priests are busy and it's not just for Mass. Last year my former confessor had to make quite a few changes to his schedule in order to say yes and none of the events he needed to change was a Mass.

I am still learning this but balance is needed when getting more involved with parish ministries and community. Three years ago I said no to a lot because I didn't feel I had the time and the fear that I wasn't good enough to be involved. Two years ago I said yes to practically everything because I felt guilty for saying no so much the year before and I really wanted to be more involved. I was overwhelmed and tired, I frustrated and really burnt out. Last year I tried to strike a balance by not saying yes to everything but not saying no right off the bat either. Not sure if I got it right but it was definitely better than the year before.

This year I think I am recognizing more where my strengths lie and not letting guilt lead me into more commitments than I can handle.

What about you? Are you involved in your parish community? Do you want to be more involved, what's stopping you?

Visit Morgan for the link up to see what everyone else is saying and maybe add your own thoughts on the subject.

A Blop Hop About Writing

A couple weeks ago Joan emailed me asking if I wanted to participate in a blog hop, and I thought it sounded like fun since I had seen some of these tag posts around before. Thank you Joan for tagging me in this blog hop about writing! Joan and I are actually real life friends, we met in Savannah back in July and spent a great weekend together, we then drove from Savannah to Florida. We hung out at the beach, both had Chik-fil-A for the first time together and then said some sad goodbyes at the airport. Joan is a registered dietician, faithful catholic and a genuinely lovely person. Check out her blog Everything Is Yours

1. What am I writing?

I wrote my first poem, about a turtle, when I was 6 or 7 and I have loved writing ever since. It's my favourite means of expressing myself. My writing includes my journal, this blog,prayers and resume writing for the millions of cousins who love to just call me up because they know I will even if I complain at first.  I am also currently procrastinating over press articles for an upcoming retreat that I am working, as well as a talk that I have been asked to give next week. 

2. How does my work differ from others in my genre?

I'm single, female and Catholic so I write from that perspective I guess but I've never thought of myself as a genre. I do write a lot about being single, but I also write about my Faith, some cooking and recipe sharing and every once in a while some general what's happening in my life.

I am not a picture heavy blog. Since I am usually the one behind the camera I don't get many pictures of myself regularly, not that I mind all that much. Sometimes I also get so caught up in the moment I forget to take pictures at all.

3. Why do I write what I write?

I write first of all for me. When I started this blog I didn't really think anyone or that many people would read it but I needed a bigger outlet than my journal. I write the things that are bothering me, inspiring me, bringing me joy or confusing the heck out of me. I write what I write because I need to see what is going on inside on the outside, whether here on the blog or in my journal. I write because writing it out is how I work it out. I also write so I can look back.

4. How does my writing process work?

Hmmm. Not sure I have one of those.

Something may come to me and I would think that would make a really great blog post so I may write it down somewhere or actually start a post but that may just sit there for a while. A verse, quote or word may come to me that inspires me to continue writing and add to the post.

There are also the posts that I just sit there and just type, whatever comes to me I just go for it, I may come back and clean it up after but first I just need to get everything out.

I don't have the patience to write out my thoughts and then re-type them so sometimes I write a word here and a word there and eventually it all works out. There is no real method to my madness it just depends on the post, my mood and what else I have going on at the time.

So that's it…and now for the fun part where I get to tag a couple of blogger friends of mine! The first is Natalie, who I virtually via hangout for bookclub, and the second is Bobbi, her blog was the first Catholic blog that I ever read. We have commented on each other's blog and I have participated in her link-up a time or two. Both of these ladies have wonderful blogs, and I hope that you get a chance to see what they’ve been up to!

Natalie blogs over at Here I Am about a little bit of this and that. Some of the this includes being Catholic. a nurse and a little bit of hippy and some of that is life as a single lady. In case the blog title didn't give it away, she has a thing for Our Lady of the Annunciation. She recently graduated from Franciscan University of Steubenville and enjoys being an amateur cook, runner, blogger, and photographer.

Bobbi is a full time mom to a tween daughter, three rambunctious little boys and two babies in heaven. She lives on the Monterey Bay in California with her amazing husband Brian. When she is not washing dishes, doing laundry or dodging light sabers she can be found outside with her family enjoying God’s beauty or catching a late night movie after her kids are asleep. Bobbi writes about family, homemaking and loving God in the midst of daily life at her blog Revolution of Love.

Not Alone Series: Freebie

Feel free to catch us up on life, talk about something that's on your heart or have a stream of conscience post! No rules here! :)

I have never changed a tire. I am very proud of the fact that I have never changed a tire. I have owned this car for about five years and have had about five flats, nicks or whatever and I have gotten them changed without any problem or cost. 

I have no problem with letting men be chivalrous when it comes to car because I am blissful in my ignorance and am in no hurry to change that.

I felt the same way about household repairs and maintenance but I am starting to change my mind on that (not on cars though). Previously if there was a leak I would call the plumber no question. Actually I would call my uncle who was friends with a plumber or I was likely to be waiting a week before I may actually get a plumber.

This past week I have found myself trying my hand at a little diy home repair. I am actually proud of myself. It was nothing major just a small leak in the bathroom. I'm not running out to buy my own set of tools (still don't know the correct names for most of them).

All I had to do was tighten a thingie, I'm very good with the technical names. While I have no plans to be laying tiles or spreading grout it feels good to know what to do without having to call someone for a simple fix.

Did you read Jen and Morgan's posts? Did you hear the exciting news? Head over there to congratulate them and share in the excitement. Also see Jen's post for the link-up to catch up with everyone.

NASavannah

Savannah was nothing that I was expecting but much better than I could ever have expected!!!!

I was a little nervous as I got on my first plane to begin my trip to Savannah. I can be very quiet and reserved when surrounded by strangers and well with the exception of Jen I had never met anyone else before. We had interacted by email, twitter, facebook and of course our blogs but I was about to spend a whole weekend with people I had simply met online.

My journey to Savannah was great, I got upgraded to first class on my flight into New Jersey. Does that not say a great time ahead?

Savannah/Hilton Head airport has a staff that is super friendly and helpful. I don't see a lot of payphones at home (read: can't remember the last time I saw one) I don't know why I was expecting to see them in Savannah but hey. I asked one of the ladies at the information desk to point me to the pay phone so I could just let Jen know where I was. They were both really sweet they helped me make my call right from the desk all without laughing in my face for thinking payphones still exist.

I did some people watching while I waited for Jen to pick me up all the while thinking "yes it's finally happening". I was in Savannah, it was Friday and I was just a few short hours away from meeting everyone!!!!!!!

Jen and I got to the house first, it was a little surreal to realise that this was really happening. We did a little mini tour, dropped our bags upstairs and then I was banned to the downstairs while Jen worked on a surprise upstairs. I didn't mind, I got a chance to myself to just take it all in and take a couple pictures.

Beth Anne came not long after. We checked out the chicken coop and Jen saw an egg and wanted to get a closer look. I think one of the chickens tried to stop the paparazzi moment and another just wanted to get out.

The bodyguard

The escape artists

                                                               

Got it!!!!

Going in for the shot

The others were running a little late so we just hung out. Jen finished up with her surprise and we got a very mini sneak peak in that it was just there to torture us :). We could look in or touch but Jen hung the totes (our surprise) in the hall but I was just so excited for everyone else to get there. Tweets and 'grams were posted, texts were sent and finally we were all together.

I was not quiet or reserved, in all the excitement I was just happy to see and meet everyone. Hugs, hellos and introductions were just going around. As I type this I wonder what the neighbours were thinking all these crazy women all happy and excited on the sidewalk. I think "10 passenger van Dave" was hopeful.

We let the long travellers get some precious A/C while we checked out our totes, discussed our adventures in getting to Savannah and decided what to do for dinner.

Stop on the totes for a minute. Jen and Morgan did an amazing job on these things. I wasn't expecting anything and it was so sweet of them to even think of doing this for us.

The design was done by Rakhi from Pitter Patter Diaries and Rakstar Designs and I love it. Inside we had a lovely bracelet from Cindy over at The Veil of Chastity, it was super sweet of her to think of us. It's beautiful and the verse from Prv 3:5 is just perfect. Cindy, thank you for being such a great inspiration and encouragement to us. There were some other goodies that were in the bags as well, Jen and Morgan are having a giveaway for an extra bag that so  check them out for your chance to win.

Back to Savannah.....

We had a dinner at this great hole-in-the-wall BBQ place. We had mostly all met less than 2 hours and there we were having dinner, talking and laughing like old friends. It was amazing.

Our group split in two for a little while as a few of us went to the grocery store. I have never had such an luxurious experience at the supermarket, gotta be a southern thing. Seriously we need to live closer to each other.

The most luxurious supermarket in all of Savannah

Back at the house we played balderdash and talked and ate M&Ms. The imagination on these people, I don't think I've laughed like that in a while. I have to get that game.

Sharing the bathroom and getting ready for bed felt perfectly natural. Talking to Rachel while brushing my teeth, scooting over to give Joan some counter space. It was hard to believe we had just met that evening. I felt totally at ease and relaxed.

Saturday we had tentatively decided the night before we would check out the beach but I think that would have requires us to leave the house before 1 p.m. No, we didn't oversleep. We talked. Around 7 we all started coming down grabbing coffee and breakfast, just filing into the living room. No plan, no outline we just started talking to each other, everyone just fit in and joined in as they come in. At some point we said we should get ready to go out yet somehow we ended up talking even more this time in Jen and Morgan's room. It was awesome!!!!!

We finally headed out, had lunch and enjoyed the riverfront and downtown. It was great exploring Savannah, goofing off and having fun.

All of us on the Historic Steps

Joan and I

The Waving Girl

Rachel

Morgan and Jen

Later we went to Vigil Mass at the Cathedral of St John. It was really special to attend Mass with everyone.

We got kicked out of the church for a wedding, unfortunately we didn't get to see the bride. We had to hightail it out of there before the rain came down. We were able to take refuge in a little coffee/wine shop. I loved our time there, no one would believe that we had only met in person the day before. One of the highlights of the trip for me. Of course we talked some more, we laughed, it was the most natural thing, friends just hanging out waiting out the rain.

At the suggestion of one or a couple of the coffee shop guys we went to Chive for a seafood dinner. Live music, great atmosphere and yummy food. The company of course was top notch. I'll just say we enjoyed a walk back to the parking garage the long way.

We got back home, talked some more and prayed our St Anne novena before bed.

Sunday, the last day, a sad day. We had to leave by 10 but we still had breakfast and some small talk. Morgan made us breakfast from the eggs our chickens laid. We had six of them.

Goodbyes are sad. We raced to get everything cleaned up and packed so we could leave on time. We took a few last minute pictures and hugged goodbye. We prayed the St Anne novena out in the driveway. We hugged each other goodbye again before heading off in different directions.

Jen, Joan and I were headed to Florida where Joan and I would spend an extra night before heading home. It was sad saying goodbye to everyone else but it was nice that we got that extra time together.

We did a little tourist thing stopping off at Peach World. It was a learning experience the things you can make with peaches. We stopped off at Cracker Barrel for lunch, my first time and it was delicious. We also rocked out in the car to some 80's music, some Whitney Houston and some more modern hits. Of course we talked some more. I could talk to these girls forever.

We hit up the beach on Monday morning. Joan tried paddle boarding, so brave. Joan and I had Chick-Fil-A for the first time for lunch before heading to the airport where we had to say yet another sad goodbye to Jen.

Luckily Joan and I were in the same terminal so we got to stay and hang out until Joan's flight.

Even as I was excited for this trip and really looking forward to it I really didn't know what to expect but this was exactly what I needed. I loved the conversations I had with these girls. I loved meeting them and really getting to know them beyond their blogs and Mary Grace who does not blog.

Since the beginning I have loved the community that NAS has given me, now to meet people in person, spend the weekend with them, have them share their hearts with me and to share my heart with them. It was a truly blessed and priceless weekend. I love how comfortable it all felt. How easy and natural it was. How real and genuine friendships were made.

Thank you Jen and Morgan for organising this, for getting us all together. Thank you Joan, Katie, Beth Anne, Rachel and Mary Grace for coming and making this the great weekend that it was. Thank you for the laughs, the conversations and being there to pray with.

You guys who couldn't make it you were missed, we thought of you and I look forward to meeting you all sometime.

Check out the experiences of all who made it to Savannah. Visit Jen for the link-up.